What depression feels like...
I have struggled with depression before and I want to talk about it. There is so much fear and shame surrounding that illness and none seems to actually accept it for what it is: an illness.
It is not a choice, not something you do for fun, or something you do to get attention or special treatment. It is a fucking illness.
Obviously depression is different for everyone, but I want to give you an insight into my thoughts an emotions, while i was it in. I opened one of my diaries from back then to give you a deep and raw insight into what was on my mind.
I feel empty.
I feel nothing.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life or where i want to go - sort of numb and clueless.
Why should I go to school anyway? It is not worth it.
Why should I leave the house? I have nothing important to do anyway.
Nothing brings me joy.
I feel tired. I feel tired although I am lying in bed.
I feel mentally and physically tired.
So many things I should be happy about, but I can’t see the joy.
My heart feels heavy, dark and so numb.
Am I doing the right thing? What is my destiny?
Is my path even important? Do I even count?
I just want this to be over…
Just to give you a little insight into my thoughts from back then. I used to be very stressed as well. My heart would beat fast and I had to cry for no particular reason. I just felt this immense sadness - totally imbalanced.
But everyone feels different and all feelings are ok.
ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID.
And please don’t judge anyone, who feels different than you do. Our feelings and emotions are so unique and totally subjective. We should never tell anyone how they are allowed to feel or how they should not feel in a certain moment.
My next blogpost will be about how to deal with friends and family who have mental health issues.
Stay tuned xx